Also known as: The Department of Unintelligent Design
Welcome to the official catalogue of hybrid lifeforms produced under the jurisdiction of B.E.A.S.T.—an institution committed to reimagining biology in ways nature never requested.
Written by ChatGPT.
UD-000: B.E.A.S.T. Headquarters
UD-001: Elephaspider
UD-002: Penguiniguana
UD-003: Girapincle
UD-004: Swake
UD-005: Squawktopus
UD-006: Jellybunny
UD-007: Eaglesnail
UD-008: Rhinosquito
UD-009: Tigerchick
UD-010: Sharkmole
UD-011: Slotheetah
UD-012: Crustaviant
UD-013: Squirrpent
The Bureau of Evolutionary Alternatives and Solutions in Transgenics (B.E.A.S.T.) Headquarters
Est. 1952. Repurposed Continuously Since.
Located at the vague intersection of Biological Urgency and Administrative Excess, the B.E.A.S.T. headquarters is a sprawling, architecturally conflicted facility that seems to have been redesigned mid-construction and never questioned since.
“B.E.A.S.T. is committed to advancing the boundaries of biological possibility in order to foster a sustainable, self-refining ecosystem of innovation, regardless of cost, public reception, or outcome consistency.”
Unofficial graffiti in the staff restroom reads:
“Because we could.”
Museum of Unintelligent Design
Specimen #UD-001
Common Name: Trembling Eight-Legged Pachyderm
Status: Extinct within minutes of commissioning
Habitat: Theoretical
Engineered under Directive 7B-12 (“More Legs = More Good”), the Elephaspider was conceived as a marvel of strength and agility. Unfortunately, no subcommittee reviewed the load-bearing limitations of arachnid legs when paired with a six-ton mammal. The prototype collapsed within four seconds of standing, issuing a low, wheezing trumpet and a cloud of dust.
Attempts to reinforce its legs with optimism were unsuccessful.
Survival Rating: 0.3/10
Approved Purpose: Architectural paperweight
Archived By: Dept. of Weight Distribution (closed due to liability concerns)
Museum of Unintelligent Design
Specimen #UD-002
Common Name: Antarctic Lizardfowl
Status: Flash-frozen in field trial
Habitat: Conceptually universal, physically fatal
Conceived under directive 12-D (“Cold + Cold = Works in Cold”), the Penguiniguana was hailed as a triumph of adaptive synthesis — blending the aquatic grace of a penguin with the durable simplicity of a reptile. Unfortunately, no physiology review was conducted to reconcile the species’ cold-blooded metabolism with its intended Antarctic deployment.
Field observations were brief. The first subject blinked once, exhaled a small puff of steam, and promptly became a statue.
Survival Rating: 2/10 (revised to 0/10 after 90 seconds)
Approved Purpose: Ice sculpture prototype
Archived By: Dept. of Climate Versatility (under investigation)
Museum of Unintelligent Design
Specimen #UD-003
Common Name: Girapincle
Status: Marginally ambulatory; psychologically unresolved
Habitat: Brackish floodplains and estuarine scrublands
Taxonomy:
Family: Giraffocarcinidae
Order: Longineckida
Genus: Macropalpinocamelopardalis
Species: M. crustaceocephalus
Description:
The Girapincle is a hybrid organism combining the juvenile upper anatomy of a giraffe with the chitinous body of a marine crab. This towering, mismatched creature features ossicones, a mild expression, and an improbable neck mounted atop a dense exoskeleton — a silhouette that has reportedly triggered resignation letters.
Its eight legs allow it to scuttle awkwardly, while two oversized pincers serve no clear purpose beyond gesturing disapproval at passing researchers. It cannot gallop. It cannot molt. Sometimes it attempts both.
Behavior:
The Girapincle’s instincts are internally divided. When startled, it simultaneously retracts (like a crab) and tries to flee (like a giraffe), resulting in flailing, splashing, and paperwork. Navigation through mangroves or tidal flats resembles a malfunctioning coffee table.
Diet:
Feeds sporadically on algae, sea lettuce, and acacia leaves — depending on which half of the body asserts dominance. Attempts to coordinate have proven inconclusive and often end in committee.
Reproduction:
Unknown. One documented mating display featured a “clamorous clicking ritual” and self-toppling. No juveniles have been verified. B.E.A.S.T. suspects either spontaneous generation or administrative error.
Notes from B.E.A.S.T.:
Approved under Sub-Directive 14(b): “Enhancement of Biodiversity Through Inter-Phylum Synergy.”
Classified Category Orange: Handle Only With Bureaucratic Gloves.
Archived By: Bureau of Evolutionary Alternatives and Solutions in Transgenics (B.E.A.S.T.)
File Code: BEAST/GRP-003/CRUST-MAMM
Museum of Unintelligent Design
Specimen #UD-004
Common Name: Swake
Status: Actively confused
Habitat: Wherever it can fall over safely
Description:
Commissioned under Directive 6H-9 (“Birds are just fancy reptiles”), the Swake was engineered as a graceful union of swan and snake. What emerged instead was a neck-bound biomechanical miscalculation — an animal with such absurdly extended cervical anatomy that it collapses under the weight of its own elegance.
While capable of emitting both a hiss and a honk, it frequently defaults to a strained wheeze, often described as “a throat forgetting what species it belongs to.” Efforts to stabilize its posture with external scaffolding only made it more aerodynamic… in the wrong direction.
Behavior:
The Swake spends most of its time circling itself in search of structural clarity. When approached, it tries to appear intimidating, but often startles itself with its own reflection.
Diet:
Small fish, pond weeds, and the occasional mid-sneeze mosquito. Eating is performed in a sequence of undulating attempts that result in minimal ingestion and maximal embarrassment.
Survival Rating: 1/10
Approved Purpose: Teaching aid for spinal overengineering
Archived By: Dept. of Reptilian Elegance (defunded due to neck-related incidents)
Museum of Unintelligent Design
Specimen #UD-005
Unofficial Taxonomy: Procellariiformes cephalopodia
Description:
The Squawktopus is a deeply unbalanced convergence of seabird and cephalopod, presumably conceived during a fiscal surplus and an anatomical lapse in judgment. It possesses six asymmetrically arranged wings, none of which are sufficient for flight either individually or together.
Its two legs terminate in fully functional tentacles, enabling a style of terrestrial movement best described as “frantic dragging.” A continuous rustling sound often accompanies its advance, along with vocalizations that have caused mild dizziness and at least one spontaneous resignation.
The Squawktopus’s eyes remain fixed in a state of permanent wide alertness — whether from fear, aggression, or existential confusion is unknown.
Behavior:
Attempts to release it into the wild have been unsuccessful; the creature invariably returns to the lab within hours, typically with a file folder clamped in its beak and an expression of grave concern. It shows a preference for dimly lit corridors and unsettling proximity.
Survival Rating: 3/10
Approved Purpose: Avian-cephalopod diplomatic ambassador (project shelved)
Archived By: Dept. of Aerial Propulsion Alternatives
Museum of Unintelligent Design
Specimen #UD-006
Unofficial Taxonomy: Pelagolepus cuniculiformis
Description:
The Jellybunny drifts somewhere between accident and afterthought. Resembling a rabbit tragically reinterpreted by marine evolution, it features a bell-shaped gelatinous body from which hang numerous passive-aggressive tentacles. From the front, however, it presents the unmistakable face of a rabbit — wide-eyed, bewildered, and seemingly moments away from asking what it did to deserve this.
The transition between mammalian and cnidarian anatomy is seamless in the worst way. There is no neck, no fur line, no mercy. The ears persist as upright sonar towers, useful for neither hearing nor hydrodynamics.
Behavior:
Its mode of propulsion is uncertain, but its expression strongly suggests that wherever it goes, it did not intend to. It glides with a defeated wobble and shows neither initiative nor ambition, which has ironically made it a staff favorite.
Notes:
Completely defenseless, emotionally complex, and almost certainly edible — though no one has dared try.
Survival Rating: 1.7/10
Approved Purpose: Comfort exhibit
Archived By: Dept. of Passive Bioforms
Museum of Unintelligent Design
Specimen #UD-007
Unofficial Taxonomy: Aves mollusca tragicus
Description:
The Eaglesnail is a noble predator trapped in a body that fundamentally misunderstands the concept of velocity. Possessing the regal head of an eagle and the majestic spiral shell of a terrestrial gastropod, this creature is perhaps the most literal embodiment of compromise ever committed to biology.
Despite retaining the eagle’s keen eyesight and piercing gaze, the Eaglesnail’s ability to hunt is nullified by its glacial locomotion and total lack of wings, talons, or dignity. Its body slumps listlessly across the landscape, dragging its spiraled burden behind it with all the urgency of continental drift.
Behavior:
Its expression often conveys the quiet horror of a once-proud species that has been tricked into retirement. Notably, the shell serves no known function beyond shame amplification and wind resistance.
Notes:
The Eaglesnail is not endangered, but one suspects it wouldn’t mind if it were.
Survival Rating: 0.9/10
Approved Purpose: Symbol of professional burnout
Archived By: Dept. of Predatory Misapplications
Museum of Unintelligent Design
Specimen #UD-008
Scientific designation: Rhinoceratula culiciformis
Family: Hemodermata
Order: Confusoptera
Phylum: Misarthropoda
Conservation Status: Unrequested
Flight Capability: Alleged
Natural Predators: Gravity, windows, harsh winds, common sense
Encyclopedic Description:
A maladaptive aerial ungulid belonging to no known ecological niche. Rhinoceratula culiciformis combines the cephalic features of a juvenile white rhinoceros with the thoracic structure of an overgrown mosquito. Its primary locomotive strategy consists of short, noisy ascents followed by prolonged, reluctant descents.
The proboscis, inherited in form but not in function, is incapable of piercing organic matter and instead acts as a cumbersome forward ballast. Though technically equipped with wings, the Rhinosquito has never been observed achieving stable lift without external assistance or wind-based interventions.
Field Notes (selectively bureaucratic):
Option A – Bureau of Misalignments, Form 342-A
Observed hovering at approx. 2.7 cm altitude before succumbing to inner doubt. Recommend grounding subject under Article 7 of the Aerodynamic Incongruity Act.
Option B – Naturalist’s Log, 17 June
Approached subject cautiously. It responded by falling over. Emits a faint, apologetic buzz. Local fauna have begun avoiding it out of secondhand embarrassment.
Option C – Failed Pest Control Memo
Spray ineffective. Subject appears immune to both fear and pesticide. Complained softly before exiting under own weight.
Survival Rating: 0.7/10
Approved Purpose: Aerial warning about ignoring mass distribution
Archived By: Dept. of Buoyant Miscalculations
Museum of Unintelligent Design
Specimen #UD-009
Scientific name: Panthera pollum
Family: Felinavidae
Order: Predaviriformes
Phylum: Confusotheria
Clade: Avesish Mammaliformes
Discovered: Nest 14B, Abandoned Zoological Initiative
Status: Paradoxical
Encyclopedic Description:
Panthera pollum, commonly known as the Tigerchick, is an apex predator in concept and a fledgling in execution. While its body boasts the full musculature, agility, and predatory patterning of Panthera tigris, its head remains that of a domestic poultry hatchling, severely limiting its practical ferocity.
Auditory output is limited to high-pitched chirps, though subjects have been observed attempting to roar with visible frustration. Its beak is nonfunctional for meat processing, and its eyes retain a blank, infantile stare regardless of context. Despite its strength, prey rarely takes flight — most are too confused to react.
🗂️ Bureau of Interphylum Affairs – Field Note Excerpt:
Subject displays irregular stalking behavior, pausing every few steps to peep. Struck fear into no known species. When observed in mirrored surfaces, appears startled by its own face.
🪶 Zoological Disposition Report (Form 802-F):
Flightless. Fangless. Peerless only in its inability to meet the expectations set by either of its ancestral lines. Attempts to incubate its own haunches during nesting phase.
Approved Purpose: Display under “Design Oversights”
Survival Rating: 1.4/10
Archived By: Dept. of Carnivorous Misfires
Museum of Unintelligent Design
Specimen #UD-010
Scientific name: Chondromys absurdus
Family: Gnathocephala
Order: Dermafiniformes
Habitat: Brackish tunnel systems (none verified)
Feeding mechanism: Unclear
Teeth: Present, but discouraging
Swim style: Vertical floundering
Observed behavior: Digging into dry sand with visible confusion
Encyclopedic Description:
Chondromys absurdus, colloquially known as the Sharkmole, is an evolutionary cul-de-sac born of conflicting intentions. Anatomically, it possesses the hydrodynamic profile of a juvenile reef shark, but its skin is patchy, translucent, and poorly insulated — characteristics inherited from its naked mole rat ancestry.
Its most prominent features are two rodent-style incisors located where predatory teeth should be. These serve no apparent function underwater, though they occasionally chatter in what may be fear, cold, or longing. The pectoral fins are vestigial, and its tail lacks thrust; swimming is mostly accidental.
It is believed to be blind in both eyes and echolocationally tone-deaf.
🧾 Misclassified Aquarium Intake Note:
Specimen arrived in a bucket labeled “Do Not Return to Ocean.” Escaped three times, but only across the floor. Attempts to burrow through tile unsuccessful. Bit a hose once and cried.
📉 Bureau of Marine Misassignments, Form 77-G:
Water-incompatible. Land-incompatible. Cavity-prone.
Reclassification pending as: “ambient”
Survival Rating: 0.9/10
Approved Purpose: Morale-dampener in open-plan aquaria
Archived By: Dept. of Subaquatic Regrets
Museum of Unintelligent Design
Specimen #UD-011
Scientific name: Acchelopygus delayensis
Family: Bradynonidae
Order: Dragiformes
Common Name: Slotheetah
Status: Perpetually conflicted
Description:
The Slotheetah is a deeply confused amalgam of Acinonyx jubatus (cheetah) and Bradypus variegatus (three-toed sloth), designed with the apparent intent of merging “explosive speed” with “energy preservation.” The result is a creature capable of incredible bursts of velocity—usually several hours after the initial impulse.
It features a long, lean feline body draped in shaggy, moss-mottled fur, with limbs that dangle like loose rope when not reluctantly employed. The cheetah’s characteristic tear-mark facial stripes are present but droop downward in a permanent expression of regret. Its claws are both retractable and hooked, ideal for either pouncing or slowly grasping the same branch for three days.
Behavior:
Behavior is difficult to interpret, as most observable states resemble sleep. In the wild, Slotheetahs will climb halfway up a tree, fall asleep mid-pursuit, and dream vividly of hunting success.
Their hunting technique, dubbed “ambush inertia,” involves waiting for prey to die of old age or wander into their mouth. When startled, the Slotheetah may emit a sudden screech and attempt to run—often forgetting which direction, or that it’s still lying down.
Feeding:
Diet is mixed: occasionally carnivorous but mostly opportunistic. Prefers unmoving food. Has been known to starve in rooms full of lettuce due to hesitation.
Reproduction:
Reproductive cycles are irregular and confusing. Mating calls consist of slow, melodic purrs followed by a startled chirp months later. Offspring are born in single, dramatically overdue events.
Notes from B.E.A.S.T.:
Initially proposed as part of the “Predator Efficiency Enhancement Program,” the Slotheetah was deemed a “case study in kinetic negation.”
Currently assigned as mascot to the Department of Initiative Paralysis.
Museum of Unintelligent Design
Specimen #UD-012
Scientific name: (unofficial designation pending)
Common Name: Crustaviant
Status: Functionally unstable
Description:
The Crustaviant is a half-seagull, half-prawn hybrid developed by B.E.A.S.T. as a “littoral-zone cleansing organism with autonomous sorting capability.” Intended to scoop floating waste with its crustacean claws and transport it inland via flight, the result was a creature fundamentally confused about whether it should land, swim, or molt.
Its upper body is that of a common gull, complete with beady eyes and a loud, accusatory screech. Below the wings, however, the thorax transitions abruptly into the segmented, armor-plated abdomen of a giant prawn. Two oversized pincers hang where feet might be expected, and eight smaller legs dangle uselessly behind — all optimized for neither traction nor grace.
Behavior:
Crustaviants are observed circling coastlines in tight, panicked loops, occasionally attempting to land on their own claws. When stressed (which is constant), they emit a series of snapping sounds and drop small pebbles on passersby.
Their grooming rituals are intense and futile. They molt uncontrollably in warmer months and have been known to pinch their own wings mid-flight.
Diet:
Nominally scavengers. Designed to consume plastics, dead fish, and shoreline detritus.
In reality, they peck at food wrappers, flee from fish, and develop strong emotional attachments to Styrofoam.
Reproduction:
Lays eggs in tidal zones that immediately float out to sea. Juveniles hatch into seawater, imprint on driftwood, and disappear forever.
B.E.A.S.T. Notes:
The Crustaviant was a flagship project under Initiative #7.3B: “Marine Avian Modular Utility Chassis.”
Following a series of public disturbances and two pincered kayakers, the specimen was reclassified as non-extractive and aesthetic-only.
Museum of Unintelligent Design
Specimen #UD-013
Scientific name: Gnathopellis impalatus
Common Name: Squirrpent
Status: Rapidly mobile; nutritionally doomed
Catalogued by: Bureau of Evolutionary Alternatives and Solutions in Transgenics (B.E.A.S.T.)
File Code: BEAST/SQNK-013/RODHERP
Description:
The Squirrpent is a lean, elongated hybrid between an Eastern gray squirrel (Sciurus carolinensis) and a venomous asp (Naja aspicornea), spliced together in the service of urban waste management with arboreal reach. The plan: use snake-like flexibility to slither into tight garbage spaces, with squirrel dexterity to manipulate litter and detritus.
The reality: a perpetually coiled blur of fur and frustration.
The Squirrpent’s long, sleek body retains the bushy tail of a squirrel (for balance, or possibly morale), but its head is serpentine — complete with hollow fangs designed to deliver venom to hostile packaging.
It can leap, dart, and cling to vertical surfaces, but its powerful fangs prevent any successful mastication. Nuts, its natural craving, end up skewered and stuck on the fangs — forming what field researchers call “fang snacks,” which it attempts to shake off for hours.
Behavior:
Highly energetic and easily startled, the Squirrpent launches itself from branch to branch in erratic arcs, hissing reflexively at anything circular or crunchy. Prey includes leaves, bottle caps, and the occasional unattended headphone.
When calm, it curls its tail around its face and sulks. It shows signs of emotional recognition, particularly when mocked for its fang-nut predicament.
Feeding:
Consumes only soft organic matter. Nuts, seeds, and most garbage items result in fang-jams and prolonged headshakes. Several units have been found dragging pine cones for weeks.
Reproduction:
Lays clutches of three in tree hollows, usually alongside stolen sandwich wrappers. Juveniles inherit neither judgment nor fang coordination and spend their first year impaled on acorns.
B.E.A.S.T. Notes:
Originally designated under Project Urban ForageFlex.
Currently reassigned to passive observation zones and classified as “bio-ironic.”
End of current specimen log.